Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
