btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
