We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
