Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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