i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
