Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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