We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
