By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
