Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
