return my video game
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
