I seem to have left my pride at pride
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize