i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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