The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
did i just pee glitter
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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