So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
