my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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