swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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