Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
