I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
