Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
