Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
