Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize