She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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