she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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