So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
