Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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