Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
