Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
