Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
