You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
