I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
