I wannas sexs uuuuu
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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