That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
