I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
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I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
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I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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