Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
