I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We had sex on a dog bed..
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
