So drunk, too bad you don't want this
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
