You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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