Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
