guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
