He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
