here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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