I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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