and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
