on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
