My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
