im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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