At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
