I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
