No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
