I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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