you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
