are you so shy because you have an std?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
