Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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