in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
