If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I want to fling myself into the sun
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
