if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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